‘Smiley’ Makes Zero Sense (Review)

Written by: Daniel Hadley 

Directed by: Michael J. Gallagher

Cast: Caitlin Gerard, Melanie Papalia, Shane Dawson

Hey do you know what makes little to no sense and left me feeling kind of angry and hollow inside? Can you guess? Yes of course it’s Smiley – quite possibly one of the most nonsensical pieces of shit horror movies I have ever had the misfortune to sit through. It’s rare that I have wanted to personally execute every character in a movie in the slowest most grueling way possible, well I say rare but it’s actually never happened before; but along came Smiley like some dirty malformed tumor that I just wanted to gauge out my brain. So yeah this movie sucks, it’s just sucks so god damn much.

Why I hear you cry, why does this movie suck, well I’ll enlighten you in the briefest way possible, as delving too far in this cesspit is enough to drive any sane man to madness. To start off we have our main character roster filled out by complete assholes who appear to revel in causing the death of innocent strangers by enacting the Smiley curse on them. The way it works is almost identical to the Candyman movies or the Bloody Mary urban legend except this one works via Chat roulette or whatever this movie calls it. You type” I did for the Lulz” three times and the stranger on the other side of the webcam is brutally murdered before your eyes. The first time this happened I remember thinking what a total dick the guy on the other end of the camera was as the victim was brutally murdered whilst he smiled and cheered and then it kept happening.

The main character, Ashley would have been safe from my hate had she not tested it out just to see if it worked after already seeing work a day or so before: congratulation bitch, you caused a brutal for no other reason then your own curiosity. Then there’s Proxy, oh I should mention that this movie revolves somewhat around internet trolls and the fabled Anonymous, so naming a character Proxy was clearly a poor attempt at an in joke. Proxy is played by Melanie Papalia who some might recognize from the far superior movie The Den, her character should have just been renamed false jump scare as all she does throughout the movie is appear suddenly from around corners. Then there is Zane or as I like to call him Hipster Elitist Dickhead, and his entourage of meme spouting shit heads who just can’t stop murdering people for fun using the smiley curse. Then there are the stock cops who do nothing for no other reason than, the main character is slightly unhinged, well she’s reporting several murders here guys and the last time I checked when a murder is reported you have to look into it.

I would go into the plot but if I did that I fear that every synapse in my brain would fire off at once and I’d have some kind of rage stroke. Not that the premise is that bad, it has worked in other movies but the execution here is so sloppy and the plot held together so flimsily –  and oh yeah and did I mention that everyone in this movie is a total dick and or asshole? Yes I did and I repeated myself just so I could remind you once again how loathsome these people are.

On the technical side of things the direction is mediocre, the acting simply passable and the script is garbage. The story makes zero sense when the big reveal comes at the end which makes all the characters into even bigger assholes whilst also making no sense. The only positive I have for this movie is that the smiley killer has a pretty cool look, it’s just a shame he was wasted on this movie, in fact it’s a shame anything was wasted on this movie.

So in summary, don’t watch this movie, ever.

Rating: 0/5