It’s that day again. The day where we all go out of our way to remind our special someone just how much we love them. And, if you’re like the rest of us horror weirdos, it’s also the day you throw on some horrific love stories… typically drenched in blood! Get a look at our definitive list of Valentine’s Day horror viewing!
My Bloody Valentine (1981)
Verdict: A surprisingly entertaining early slasher with plenty of mystery and an awesome killer with a nasty pickaxe.
Synopsis: A decades-old folk tale surrounding a deranged murderer killing those who celebrate Valentine’s Day turns out to be true to legend when a group defies the killer’s order and people start turning up dead.
My Bloody Valentine (2009)
Verdict: One of the stronger remakes to come around in a long time, the gore satisfies, most of the characters are multi-layered and the difference in the remake’s twist works well.
Synopsis: Tom returns to his hometown on the tenth anniversary of the Valentine’s night massacre that claimed the lives of 22 people. Instead of a homecoming, Tom finds himself suspected of committing the murders, and it seems like his old flame is the only one that believes he’s innocent.
Verdict: Any movie that places huge focus on vagina dentata has to be in your lineup of Valentine’s Day viewing. I mean really, what’s more romantic than severed penises flying about?
Synopsis: Dawn grows up in the shadow of a nuclear power plant. In high school, while her biology class studies evolution, she realizes she may have a hidden curse, an “adaptation.” She lives with her mom, step-father, and hard-edged step-brother. She likes Tobey, a guy at school, and he likes her. She takes a pledge to remain chaste until marriage, so they date in groups, watch G-rated films, and don’t kiss, but the power of teen hormones is great, so temptation beckons. Dawn has an admirer in Ryan, and when when things have an unexpected twist with Tobey, she turns to Ryan for help. Will he be her mythical hero and rescue her? Or can she find her way as her own hero, turning the curse into an asset?
Verdict: This one is for those special couples who find extreme romanticism in overtly perverse sexual acts. I’m pretty sure it doesn’t get any kinkier (in a really twisted way) than shaggin’ a corpse!
Synopsis: The sexy nurse Monika has a problem, she is dragged between two lovers one alive and one dead. The one alive lover is handsome and trustworthy but is he as good in bed as the dead (and rotting) Rob?
[REC] 3: Genesis
Verdict: Say what you will about the stylistic departure of the third REC flick, but don’t you dare say it isn’t romantic chopping down zombies with a chainsaw in the name of love. It doesn’t get sweeter than that.
Synopsis: The action now takes place miles away from the original location and partly in broad daylight, giving the film an entirely fresh yet disturbing new reality. The infection has left the building. In a clever twist that draws together the plots of the first two movies, this third part of the saga also works as a decoder to uncover information hidden in the first two films and leaves the door open for the final installment, the future ‘[REC] 4 Apocalypse.’
Verdict: I’m not sure screening a bunch of attractive young ladies for a potential love is the best way to find a partner, but hey, it could work… maybe… if you don’t need a foot and… well, you just need to watch this one to understand the depravity of it all!
Synopsis: In Tokyo, Shigeharu Aoyama is a widower that grieves the loss of his wife and raises his son Shigehiko Aoyama alone. Seven years later, the teenage Shigehiko asks why his middle-aged father does not remarry and Shigeharu meets his friend Yasuhisa Yoshikawa, who is a film producer, and tells his intention. However, Shigeharu has difficulties to approach to available women to date and Yasuhisa decide to organize a sham audition for casting the lead actress for the fake movie. They receive several portfolios of candidates and Shigeharu becomes obsessed by the gorgeous Asami Yamazaki. Despite the advice of the experienced Yasuhisa, Shigeharu calls Asami to date and he falls for her. But who is the mysterious Asami?
Verdict: Although quite creepy, and extremely impacting in the final act, Spring truly is a film about love and romance. And it’s damn effective… until it starts to scare the hell out of you. All I can say is bravo to Lou Taylor Pucci and Nadia Hilker who carry this beautiful film on their shoulders.
Synopsis: A young man in a personal tailspin flees the US to Italy, where he sparks up a romance with a woman harboring a dark, primordial secret.
The Vampire Lovers
Verdict: What’s a Valentine’s Day movie list without some erotic Hammer horror? An incomplete list, that’s what. This flick is brimming with eroticism, but it also has some creepy moments to ensure genre fans get their full dose of enjoyment.
Synopsis: The Countess is called away to tend a sick friend and imposes on the General to accept her daughter Marcilla as a houseguest. Some of the villagers begin dying, however, and the General’s daughter Laura soon gets weak and pale, but Marcilla is there to comfort her. The villagers begin whispering about vampires as Marcilla finds another family on which to impose herself. The pattern repeats as Emma gets ill, but the General cannot rest, and seeks the advice of Baron Hartog, who once dealt a decisive blow against a family of vampires. Well, almost.
Verdict: Unconventional, no doubt, but obsession and Valentine’s Day go hand in hand. The fact that this flick has a really awesome twist just pushes it into the realm of high caliber cinema.
Synopsis: Simon and Robyn are a young married couple whose life is going just as planned until a chance encounter with an acquaintance from Simon’s high school sends their world into a harrowing tailspin. Simon doesn’t recognize Gordo at first, but after a series of uninvited encounters and mysterious gifts prove troubling, a horrifying secret from the past is uncovered after more than 20 years. As Robyn learns the unsettling truth about what happened between Simon and Gordo, she starts to question: how well do we really know the people closest to us, and are past bygones ever really bygones?
Verdict: This is a terrifying film, and an excellent reminder that infidelities can absolutely tear your entire world apart… and separate your bunny from existence. Creepy, erotic and remarkably memorable, watch this one on Valentine’s Day to really disrupt the comfort in your home!
Synopsis: Happily married New York lawyer Dan Callagher has an affair with his colleague Alex, and the two enjoy a love weekend while Dan’s wife and kid are away. But Alex will not let go of him, and she will stop at nothing to have him for herself. Just how far will she go to get what she wants?
Verdict: Valentine is a bit cliché, but you know what? It’s a pretty fun slasher set on Valentine’s Day and the creepy killer happens to wear an awesome mask. I’m all in, and you should be too!
Synopsis: Valentine’s Day 1988: At the school dance, geeky Jeremy Melton bravely faces one rejection after the other when asking four popular girls to dance with him. A fifth girl, plump and insecure, agrees, but they end up making out under the bleachers. When a group of school bullies catches them, the girl claims that Jeremy attacked her. This causes them to strip off his clothes and beat him up in front of the entire school. Flash forward to 2001. We meet the five girls who were in that school gym: Kate, Paige, Shelly, Lily and the formerly plump Dorothy. They are all in their 20’s now and trying to sort out their love lives, which is appropriate, since Valentine’s Day is coming up. After a disastrous date with a loser, one of the girls, a pre-med student, is murdered by a Cherub-mask wearing killer who sent her a death threat in the form of a Valentine card prior to the attack. After the four remaining girls are reunited at her funeral, they all start receiving threatening cards and…
Verdict: I’ll be the first to admit that this isn’t a great flick. But it toys with the old man with a hook urban legend, and it of course places big focus on “lovers lane” where the youngsters go to wrestle nude in the cramp confines of daddy’s car. It’s fairly light hearted fun.
Synopsis: A man who committed a series of murders thirteen years ago begins to hunt down his victims’ children.
Be My Valentine…Or Else! Aka X-Ray aka Hospital Massacre
Verdict: It’s been a good 20 years since I caught this forgotten slasher, but it’s got an awesome setting (a hospital), it’s got the holiday covered and it even comes equipped with a lunatic in a surgical mask. Can you really lose? If you can track it down, watch it!
Synopsis: Divorcee Susan Jeremy goes to a local Los Angeles county hospital for a routine exam and finds herself stranded there while a maniac, dressed in a doctor’s surgical mask and clothing, goes around killing all the staff are associated with her. Could it possibly be the psycho Harold, who killed a friend of Susan’s on Valentine’s Day 19 years earlier?